Hello folks and welcome to this new bi-weekly post on stuff I just hate. There is quite a lot out there but every other week I’ll try to make an informed argument and hopefully we can all have a bit of a chat about it after. Not all of you will agree with it, but that could be part of the fun.
So what better place to start, especially with the teaser trailer being released today, than with Twilight. Dun dun dun…
This post will just deal with the films before any of you get too angry, as I haven’t read any of the books, after all I’m not a 14-year-old girl. But even writing just about the films, where do I begin? There is just so much.
Maybe the obvious place would be vampires. What Twilight has done to vampires is a massive insult to any vampire writer or fan there has ever been. True Blood and American Vampire (a comic series by Scott Snyder I highly recommend) know how to write a vampire. They are vicious killing machines that really couldn’t give a fuck. They are powerful creatures who take what they want, when they want.
THEY DO NOT SPARKLE.
Why oh why do they have to sparkle? And go out in the day? That is just ridiculous. I literally do not think there could be a bigger insult. They took something that through generations has scared the hell out of people, and in some cases, had huge impacts on popular culture, but Twilight took that and tore it apart, picked up a few things and added some sparkle. Idiots.
Oh and if sparkling wasn’t enough. They’re also ‘vegetarians’. Another kick in the nuts to all vampires. They are creatures who can’t die but they decided to take the moral high ground and decided not to eat humans, they only go out and hunt deer and other animals, because that’s nicer. You’re a vampire, you don’t have to be nice. Go and kill some people, just for fun.
Then you have Bella. Bella has just pushed feminism back by about a thousand years, she is literally that useless. Let’s face it, all she had to decide between is necrophilia or bestiality and she can’t even do that right. The whole of the first film is just her running around moaning how she loves Edward, she does nothing constructive, take charge or do anything empowering. Women, in case Twilight hadn’t noticed, are empowered now, they can do stuff themselves, but not Bella, for she is useless.
Then we have Team Edward vs Team Jacob, again, little kids arguing over necrophilia and bestiality. When the films come out, this seems to dominate social networks and you see people on the street just wearing tops about who they support. Really? I just can’t understand it, Edward is a wet drip and Jacob just takes his top off all the time. You wouldn’t see me walking down the street wearing a team Katy Perry shirt. And anyway, in the first film Bella picked Edward, so why Jacob is he even still in the films? Move on Jacob, find someone else, and please stop taking off your damn top while you’re at it.
Going into a much deeper subject, which I won’t spend too long on, is Christianity. Now, I don’t mind religion, be religious all you want, I don’t mind, just please don’t push it on me. That’s what Twilight does, it pushes overly Christian ideology on thousands of young girls who it could well affect. No sex before marriage? We’ve moved on from that. I’m not saying be a slut, but again this is pushing back development by hundreds of years. Women should be allowed to do as they please, not be forced to wait.
Back to the storyline, does anything remotely interesting happen? Bella can’t choose between Edward and Jacob, she chooses Edward, they fall in love, they get married, she gets pregnant, he makes her a vampire, the end. Where is the good part? Where is anything to draw me in and captive me? They made five films out of this as well, what does that say about how mind-numbingly boring stuff is now-a-days. And I know you might say ‘But it’s a love story, a romance’. There are so many better ones out there. Dirty Dancing, Romeo + Juliet, and before you say they don’t involve vampires, True blood. At least Sookie is actually a powerful character and does more than cry and moan.
Then there’s the racial subtext. Is there anything these films don’t want to push back by hundreds of years? So one of the only black people in the film is evil. This has been seen in other films in the past, but not in recent films. Twilight has an overly white cast and it just pushes the wrong ideas. Even Jacob and his werewolf tribe, they scream Native Americas and to back this up, they but them in the middle of a forest and portray them as a lower work force. MOVE ON TWILIGHT, MOVE ON.
Then there is date night with a girlfriend, deeming that guys up and down the country have to sit through this drivel. I’ve seen all the films up to now, and each time it has been with a girlfriend, and as of today I’m glad I’m single just because it means I won’t have to watch the last film. It really puts a damper on going to cinema, spending a bucket load of money and all just to see Twilight. So thanks for ruining date night.
There is more I could talk about but I think that will be enough for now. Hopefully I will hear from some of you in the comments section and be sure to check back in two weeks for the next instalment. Until then, I leave you with this meme. If only Twilight would end like this…